Co-parenting: How to be a Parenting Team When You’re No Longer a Couple

Co-parenting may not come naturally to you, particularly if you’re a high-conflict couple or you’re still recovering from the nastiness of a divorce. Divorced parents need to make a concerted effort to keep their conflicts with each other separate from their relationship as co-parents to their child.

Every year, 1 million U.S. kids become children of divorce. In settling child custody issues, their parents are likely to hammer out co-parenting agreements – committing to working together to raise their kids in spite of a divorce or separation. But co-parenting has its challenges. In the second part of our series of occasional articles on co-parenting, we look at how to make the transition from separated couple to parenting team.

Working together to help your child grow into a happy, confident and well-adjusted adult is something that all parents should aspire to. But it’s not something that comes easily to newly divorced or separated parents, or even to parents who were living apart in the first place.

It takes hard work to craft a “”co-parenting”" relationship that enables parents to cooperate in a way that benefits their child. As separated or divorced parents, you choose to live apart because you can’t see eye to eye on many things, and it’s unreasonable to expect that you’ll be able to immediately step away from all of that and become a cheery, friendly, co-parenting couple.

It can take months or years to forge a new relationship as parents together. But no matter how long it takes – or how difficult it is – finding a way to cooperate together as parents ultimately does pay off.

Keep your child uppermost in mind

Divorce or separation is devastating for children. It’s normal for them to experience anger, sadness, helplessness, fear and withdrawal.

8 cardinal rules of co-parenting

In order for co-parenting to succeed, there are some important rules that all co-parents should follow:

1. Do not use your child as a go-between.

2. Do not discuss your feelings about the other parent with your child.

3. Always remember that your child needs time with both of you to grow up healthy and happy.

4. If possible, never argue in front of your child.

5. Be flexible whenever possible.

6. Think of parenting time as benefiting your child, not you or the other parent.

7. Envision yourself and the other parent as a team.

8. If you are the residential parent, include the other parent as much as possible.

It is impossible for you as a parent to fully protect your child from the impact of the divorce. Your family has changed, and you have to expect that your child will need time to adjust. But the way that you and the other parent handle the change of a divorce, and the years following it, has a huge impact on the kind of experience it is for your child.

The purpose of your divorce was likely to end the fighting, to improve how you both feel, and to create happier lives for everyone. If you go through the divorce, only to continue arguing and fostering unpleasant feelings toward the other parent, you haven’t made a lot of improvements in your family’s life.

You can’t give your child proper support and attention if you and the other parent are always focused on what the other is doing wrong, or if you continue to dredge up bad feelings from your relationship as a couple.

Developing a new relationship that is low-conflict, pleasant on the surface, and routine will help your child relax and begin to feel more comfortable with the new arrangement. You will be able to focus more directly on your child’s needs. Your child will function better if she knows that there are two parents united behind her.

Learn how to think

Learning to co-parent means making a mental shift in the way you think about the other person. This is a person who has undoubtedly hurt you, let you down, insulted you, or worked against you in your relationship. It may seem like a tall order to set that aside and smilingly co-parent together.

You need to mentally compartmentalize your relationship with the other parent. In one room, put all of your feelings about him or her as your partner or spouse. All the hurt and anger from a divorce goes behind that door. You can go into that room whenever you need to, to work through those feelings.

In another room goes your relationship with this person as a parent. In this room, there is a table where you can sit and work together to create a good life for your child. On the walls are photos of your child in happy moments. This is the room you must place yourself in mentally when you are dealing with the other parent in a parenting situation.

This compartmentalizing is something you must commit to doing. It may be hard to sit in one room in your mind, while you know that the other room is next door. But you must direct your attention to cooperating and welcoming the other parent into your child’s life so your child can have the benefit of two parents who are reasonable, pleasant and accommodating to each other.

The Importance of Educating Today’s Parents

Although most parents would agree that their children are more important than their job, most usually get more on-the-job training than they do as a parent. As a Mother of seven once said, “The love is instinctual but the skills are not.”

A NATIONAL MOVEMENT

A 1990 study by fifteen of the nation’s largest youth organizations found that the United States has done poorly in solving the problems affecting today’s youth. There was broad agreement that the number-one solution to these problems was . . . better parents. As a result of their findings, the final report calls for a massive increase in parent education.

President Bush then released a statement of six national goals for education. The number-one goal states that “by the year 2000, all children in America will start school ready to learn.” To attain this goal “parents will have access to the training and support they need.”

President Bush’s comments represent a movement in thinking which places more value on the importance of a parent’s role in preparing children for school and life. It is encouraging to see that there is a growing awareness that families need support and education . . . in order to strengthen parents’ skills and prevent future problems.

SOCIETY HAS CHANGED

In the past, when parents had questions about child-rearing they would usually have an extended family member close by to ask advice. While some parents may have family close by, many admit that their elders’ advice on child-rearing often differs from current parenting information or their preferred style. This is a result of changes in our society over the past few decades:

Children are no longer “needed” to work side by side with their parents, like farmers’ children of the past. This helped children feel they had something important to contribute and taught them basic responsibility and life-management skills. Today, children search for ways to belong in the family and with peers, sometimes in unhealthy ways.

Superior/inferior family relationships are no longer being modeled by mothers and fathers. Women have equal rights and children feel equally unwilling to accept an inferior, submissive role in life. This change is healthy, in that all people do have a right to be treated with respect and dignity. It leaves many parents, however, with few role models or practical skills for achieving this goal.

Early on, children are being taught that they have rights: to their bodies, their feelings, and to be treated by others with dignity as a worthwhile human being.

As a result, power-and-control parenting techniques are no longer effective, because parents “talk down” to “inferior” children. This style, therefore, inherently violates a child’s right to be treated with respect, children recognize this, rebel and lose respect for the controlling parent. As our society became more affluent, many parents became more permissive and over-indulgent. Their children often grew up thinking the world owed them a living and they used their energy trying to get out of responsibilities.

Children are facing issues previous generations never had to face. It is important for parents to listen and communicate in open, respectful ways, so their children will feel safe in discussing their problems and feelings.

Although some of these societal changes have brought about positive results, they have left parents with few clear guidelines for how to raise this new generation of children into responsible adults.

EFFECTIVE, QUALITY PARENT EDUCATION

What it Isn’t . . .

Parent education does not focus on what parents are doing wrong or advocate never disciplining children, as many parents assume. It provides new options to parents and encourages them to respect their own rights, as well as their children’s.

Attending a parenting class is not a reflection of being a “bad” parent . . . it is an indication of a parent’s commitment to his/her children and role as a parent. The classes are not just for parents who are having severe problems with their children’s behavior. Many parents who attend classes want to feel more confident of their parenting and are looking for ways to prevent future problems and help their family get along cooperatively.

What it Is . . .

The most effective parenting classes are small, personal groups which provide opportunities for interaction among parents, practice of concepts and techniques learned, and individualized problem solving. Like most new skills, parents can benefit from ongoing reinforcement of what they have learned. Follow-up parent discussion groups, where parents can meet with others who have taken the class, provide an opportunity to continue applying the concepts to new situations.

MAKING THE COMMITMENT

Although professionals often recommend parenting classes, there are several issues which seem to prevent parents from joining these groups: finding a class, making the time commitment, and cost. All three really boil down to the underlying issue of priorities. If a parent looks at how much time and money he/she spends on business seminars, golf lessons, weekly fast food, or vacations, it makes sense to place a priority on attending a parenting class, which usually costs less than all of these! Parenting classes are an investment in your personal growth, your child’s future, and in future generations. Consider doing your part to make this world a better place for everyone’s children. Read a parenting book that gives trustworthy, accurate advice or check out your community’s resources for local parenting classes.

Successful Shared Parenting

Article by James Gunaseelan

A marriage may not work out for a number of reasons and sometimes divorce is inevitable. This is unfortunate, particularly if there are children, and efforts should be made to reduce the trauma they undergo. Shared parenting is the most practical answer, whereby parents get joint custody of the children. Both parents are then substantially involved in parenting the children in every way. In this way, one parent does not have to shoulder most of the responsibilities, while the other becomes the fun parent. Shared parenting means children spend up to half their time with each parent, and both parents are involved in important decisions regarding the children. This works well if both parents keep their lines of communication open for the sake of their kids, and see to it that they suffer as little as possible because of their parents’ divorce. Parents should put their children’s needs first and involve each other as much as possible, so that children don’t feel the loss of either parent. The parents may divorce, but the family should not.

Shared parenting works well if parents decide to remain friends for the sake of their children. It is not for a couple involved in an ongoing marital battle, to let children suffer as well. There may be anger or bitterness, which hopefully will recede, but it should not result in children being used as pawns in adult games of chess and checkmate. Both parents should cooperate and adjust if necessary, to see that the other parent gets a fair share of parenting in all aspects. Shared parenting may mean being friendly with the extended family for the sake of the kids. While this may not be easy, it prevents confusion in the children’s’ minds, and gives them the benefits of the love and attention of other relatives. Care should be taken not to interrogate children during or after a visit to the other parent. It only teaches them to be secretive or manipulative. Children need both parents in their lives, and this has to be respected.

The pleasurable anticipation of a visit to the non-resident parent should not be diminished by nasty comments. Children should not be used to convey messages to the other parent. Parents should communicate with each other directly. Shared parenting requires a day-to-day plan to ensure stability for the children and equal responsibility for the parents. Any changes in the schedule should be made as much in advance as possible, to prevent last minute adjustments and disappointments for the children.

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About the Author

James Gunaseelan writes for Leading matrimonial portal for Brahmins brides and grooms

Questions and Doubts Surrounding Parental Alienation Syndrome

Having come from a situation where BOTH of my parents used my brother and me as pawns in the divorce and pitted us against each other trying to turn us again the other parent, I deeply understand each element contained in Garder’s and Baker’s research and conclusions regarding PAS. I lived it. I experienced it. I had to overcome its devastating and damaging effects. To read that the scientific and legal legitimacy is questioned disturbs me.

First of all, regardless what LABEL is slapped on what happened to my brother and me in regard to brainwashing and manipulations by our parent to alienate the other, we underwent tremendous emotional abuse that was far stretching into four decades of our life. No matter what LABEL is attached to what happened, our parents blatantly tried to use my brother and me to hurt the other parent, and in the process, tried to turn us against the parent by telling us lies, embellishments, and scare tactics. TO THIS DAY: I don’t know if my mother broke all the windows in the house as my Dad lead us to believe– or did my Dad actually do it and pin it on my mother to scare us kids? I don’t know if my now step-father (at the time he was just my mother’s boyfriend / Dad’s ex-friend) actually pulled a gun on my Dad or did my Dad make this up to scare us kids? If my mother was actually violent as my Dad portrayed with testimonial tapes made by friends, private detective followings, and medical records. So, if the scientific legitimacy is questioned, therefore the courts don’t accept PAS as actual abuse to the child, then how else is the child protected and removed from the abuse? I understand that for the courts to recognize PAS as ‘scientific’: PAS must be based on methodology that can be or has been tested– the courts have determined that PAS does not meet the threshold requirement to qualify as scientific. I take issue with the court’s determination– not merely on their 4 part ‘test’ but also for the sake of the children who are caught up in the court system’s legal jargon and loop-holes. From the research I have performed, in the last 20 years the methodology of testing has been thorough and with depth & breadth. PAS must have been the subject of peer review and publication– PAS has been the subject of peer review and publication– simply look at Amy J.L. Baker’s body of work. She is the author or co-author of 3 books and over 45 peer reviewed articles. The known or potential rate of error (reliability and validity) of PAS– the reliability and validity of PAS is evidenced in the reality of its victims & their stories which fit perfectly into the constructs of PAS. Some of the court’s comments about PAS’s reliability and validity stem from the emergence of PAS into general public. The court is discrediting the findings saying that PAS is in its initial stage of discovery and, therefore, can’t be determined reliable and valid. At this point, after 20 + years of more evidence, cases, and studies, PAS is as recognized as BPD (which was labeled around the same time). Does PAS enjoy general acceptance within the scientific community– since PAS is not a ‘mental disorder’ and doesn’t meet the criteria for a ‘mental illness’, the psychiatric community has shunned PAS. I don’t think PAS is mental disorder or illness. I believe it’s a SYMPTOM of an overlying disease, such as BPD, NPD, alcoholism, or drug addiction. In and of itself, I don’t think that PAS is a stand-alone disease. I think that during times of duress, PAS manifests itself. In other words, my Dad wouldn’t have a reason to turn my brother and me against my mother during happy times of their marriage. Not until my mother cheated on my Dad with his friend and he shuddered at the thought of her also getting us kids did he decide to turn us against her. Reciprocally, when my mother lost custody of us kids to my Dad, but then got us back, she waged an all out war against him to this day with a tool kit of alienating arsenal. In other words, if my parents didn’t have the mental and personality disorders, they may have had a copesectic divorce. But due to the disorders, the divorce dragged on, and each parent went into a pseudo-psychotic state– not taking any consideration of how their behavior ultimately effected the kids as they lived in a world of revenge and vengence. My mother to this day can’t talk about my Dad without copping a nutty– and my Dad continues to say that if my mother died tomorrow that he wouldn’t shed a tear. So does acceptance in the scientific community REALLY matter when a child is being abused? Does this really matter when a parent is being alienated from his / her beloved children? I understand this is a prong of the court’s test as evidence of legitimacy, but if the prevalence of this type of abuse is so profound as it has been discovered, don’t the children need protection? So rather than ditching PAS for whatever reason, shouldn’t the abuse be recognized and handled regardless? According to the courts, alternative factors to PAS for an expert to consider are (and some of these cracked me up because they are part & parcel of PAS… they are symptoms of PAS): developmentally normal separation problems deficits in the non-custodial parent’s skills (part of PAS: most alienating parents meet the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder, a pervasive and distorted relational style, including narcissism and borderline personality. A related finding is that many of the alienating parents appeared to have features of narcissistic and/or have a borderline personality disorders, alcoholism, drug addiction. These parents usually have deficits in parenting skills due to how the disorder is manifested) oppositional behavior (part of PAS: children become the prize to be won or lost in what often becomes an escalating conflict, being used as pawns & turned against a parent in the process.) high-conflict divorce proceedings (part of PAS: during heated child custody situation, the prevalence of PAS is heightened) other serious emotional or medical problems of one family member (part of PAS: already mentioned above, parents with personality disorders, alcoholism, and drug addition are more likely to try to alienate the child from the other parent) child abuse (part of PAS: well, actually PAS is EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Period. So, looking to see if the situation is ‘child abuse’ rather than ‘PAS’ is simply splitting hairs.) inappropriate, unpredictable, or violent behavior by one parent (part of PAS: the brainwashing, manipulations, and scare tactics are just that– inappropriate and unpredictable) incidental causes, such as the child’s dislike of a parent’s new roommate or lover alienation by third parties the child’s unassisted manipulation of one or both parents fears for the absent parent’s welfare “The value of an expert’s contribution to the courts’ deliberations regarding children’s welfare should be based on clinically sound reasoning formulated from empirically derived data that will serve the best interest of the child and not on unsubstantiated hyperbole”– Parental Alienation Syndrom: Frye v Gardner. Hyperbole?? Finding all of the information and research about PAS was a HUGE revelation for me. PAS explained for what I have been searching for decade. PAS is EXACTLY what happened to me. Short term losses included a normal childhood, healthy relationships with parents, shattered attachment with parents, and more. Long term effects included but not limited to anxiety, feelings of intense guilt, fear, and confusion. For the court to take what could be so VALIDATING, so HEALING, so much of a REVELATION for a child that is in the midst of the damaging of effects of PAS is a complete shame. Where the emotional abuse could be stopped in its tracks, the court would rather not hear about PAS.

I know that I have made this all too simplistic than reality; however, that is just the point. Simply put, the abuse can be more readily identified through the tool of PAS, and therefore, simply STOPPED. By the court allowing what they think is not ‘scientific’, they could allow as a ‘tool’ to enable children to see beyond the dysfunction and toxicity of the world they’re enveloped. I know that when I was going through PAS at the hands of my parents, I didn’t see the full picture of what was going on. I didn’t have an enlightened witness to help me to see what my parents were doing. When a child is caught up in the crazy turmoil of not only their parents’ divorce but also the emotional abuse of PAS, the child most likely is unable to see the clear picture and, therefore, not able to steer clear from brainwashing. I would have been eternally grateful if the courts defined PAS for me and put a stop to the crazy circus that my parents created.

As strong willed and level headed as I was, I still had a very difficult time deciphering what was going on with my parents– who was telling the truth, if I should be weary of one parent or the other, the realization that one of my parents was not being honest but which one was telling the truth, that no matter what I was going to upset a parent so I was always walking on eggshells, wanting to please my parents so much and having to play sick games, knowing that I can’t have a relationship with both parents at the same time (it’s one or the other), being legitimately SCARED of my parent, and that my parents wielded guilt as a very effective weapon (definitely a huge tool with alienation).

PAS has been cited as part of the child custody determination process in the United States. Based on the evaluation of PAS, courts in the US have awarded sole custody to some fathers. Of sixty-four precedent-bearing cases, only two decisions, both in New York State and both in criminal courts actually set precedents. Both held PAS inadmissible and one case found that PAS failed the Frye test as the appropriate professional community did not generally accept; this decision was upheld in an appellate court. One case stated that PAS passed the Frye test, but the appeal did not discuss the Frye test and actually “[threw] out the words “‘parental alienation syndrome’” and focused on the “willingness and ability of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the parents and the child.” In the second case the appellate court did not discuss PAS; the third case specifically chose not to discuss the admissibility of PAS and the fourth made no decision on PAS.

Funny how the PAS is PAS whether you call it PAS or write it out in its definition form. Sad that so much time, money, and headache has to be put in with these cases, taking them all the way to the appellate courts. How much precious time is lost with the child’s childhood– the time they should be laughing, carefree, loved, and feeling safe. So much time is spent on the legal gymnastics and parental battles that the true meaning behind all of parenting is lost– to nuture and rear your child in a loving, safe, and supportive environment.

Parenthood: 30 Things My Parents Did that Made All the Difference (Part 2)

Parenting, in many regards, is difficult. It requires work, persistence, and patience. The very word parenthood is synonymous with challenges, frustrations, and responsibility. However, parents everywhere will also collectively agree that parenthood is also the source of the greatest joy, satisfaction, happiness that life has to offer. All the work, responsibility, and even challenges are worth every effort and sacrifice. In fact, perhaps the reason why we experience so much happiness through parenthood is because we develop the most important attribute of life – that of unselfishness. Ironic that we actually find our lives through the losing of them!

Thankfully, I was fortunate enough to have two incredible parents – a father and mother who loved me, cared for me, taught me, disciplined me, and truly epitomized what successful parenthood is all about.  While they were not perfect (although close), they did certain things that I feel every parent would benefit from knowing, and especially emulating. Below are listed several things they did on a consistent basis that have made all the difference in mine and my siblings lives; as well as now the lives of my own children as I seek to implement what they taught and exemplified. (Only 15 are listed in this article; however, to view the first 15, please see part 1 in the Parenthood article series):

1) Be a Friend To Everyone: My parents went to great efforts to teach us kids to love, respect, be educated about and tolerant towards, and kind to everyone. I distinctly remember them teaching me in high school to be friends with those that don’t have friends and those I normally would not be friends with. In my ignorance, I thought ‘clicks’ would somehow disappear after high school; unfortunately for us all, they still exist. Thankfully, my parents helped us kids learn early on how to be friends with, reach out to, and love and appreciate everyone regardless of our differences.

2) We Ate Together as a Family … Daily: Eating dinner together as a family each night was not so much expected of us as it was a daily tradition we all looked forward to. Dinner time was a chance to be together as a family – to talk, laugh, teach, cry, ask questions, express concerns, have family counsels or planning time, and to love.

3) Fidelity & Commitment Were Foundational: Perhaps one of the greatest reasons that marriages and families fail or fall apart is due to the fact that parents become selfish, allow the immoral influences of the media to shape their decisions, and eventually disregard virtue, responsibilities, and commitments. Thankfully, I was raised in a home where I knew and saw and never questioned my parent’s commitment to each other. In thought, word, and action – they were completely true to each other. Does that mean they never faced trials, frustrations, challenges, or temptations? Of course not! What it means is they remained true to the commitments of marriage and the responsibilities of parenthood – despite what life challenged or tempted them with. And for that, my siblings and I will forever be grateful that our parents were true to each other, and to us as a family.

4) My Mother Read to Us Kids … Every Night: I honestly don’t remember too many books or stories, nor do I really remember learning anything significant (although I am sure I did) – what I do remember was being with and feeling loved by my mother on a daily basis. 

5) We Were Involved & Balanced: Our parents went to great lengths to ensure that us kids were well-rounded, balanced, cultured, and involved. Each of us learned instruments, were involved in sports, were required to get good grades in school, participated in scouting, volunteered in community and church service, and got involved in extracurricular activities. Now, don’t think for a moment that I enjoyed practicing the piano every day, doing my homework before playing with friends, or always having to do the service projects for scouting or with church groups. (In fact, I am sure my mom hated listening to my piano practicing as much as I hated doing it). But like anything in life, we look back and express gratitude that our parents loved us enough to do the little things to teach us, ensure we were not culturally or racially ignorant, and ensure we were well-rounded and involved individuals.

6) There Was Daily Attention & Affection: I remember with fondness my mother simply playing with us kids. Rather than using the TV to babysit us, she would simply play with us, read to us, or just talk with us. She was there every day when we arrived home from school to hug us and ask how our day went. At night, and every night, our parents prayed with and for us – and sent us off to bed with a hug and a kiss. These are small things that made all the difference, because my siblings and I always felt loved, wanted, and appreciated.

7) My Parents Didn’t Live Their Dreams Through Us Kids: It is unfortunate how often I have seen a father, for example, live their boyhood dreams through their son. Failing to accomplish a dream is not shameful if you tried, and it certainly is no justification to demand and do everything to ensure a child accomplishes what you did not. How selfish and damaging to every child’s unique individual potential and desires is this all too common scenario. I personally am grateful that my parents did not live their dreams through me, and allowed me to pursue and excel at things that I found interesting, fun, and exciting.

8) Eat Everything On Your Plate: First of all, let me tell you how much I hated beets, yams, squash, and granola … but believe me when I say that I ate them (had to) every time they were served to me. My parents didn’t do this to torture me (although I felt otherwise as a child), but they obviously did it to teach me an important lesson – to not be picky. I think my parents knew that if I got my way early in life with simple things like not eating what was served to me – that most likely would translate into much larger and more worrisome things later in life. 

9) My Parents Were Involved in My Social Life: What that means is that my parents cared and were concerned with what I was doing and who I was with. They talked to me often, creating an environment where I felt comfortable to come to them with questions, concerns, or when faced with peer pressure. Our home had an ‘open home’ policy where we were encouraged and felt comfortable inviting friends over. Thus, I not only felt my parents cared, but my parents knew my friends and could thus encourage or warn me against anything they saw or sensed. Was I always receptive to their counsel as a teenager? Of course not – what teenager is? But again, I am extremely grateful that they were involved and proactive enough that rules were set, discipline happened, and consequences were enforced. Likewise, love was shown, teaching happened, warnings were given, and praise and rewards always followed.   

10) Proper Respect & Social Skills Were Taught: I remember my parents teaching me to look adults in the eye when I spoke with them, answer their questions, learn how to ask questions and hold a conversation, and to show adults proper respect.

11) ‘Mom & Dad – Can I Have Some Money’: Again, I understand and respect the fact that each parent does things differently – and each child, home, and situation is different.  Thus, as with this and every principle mentioned in this article, I am not suggesting the way my parents did things was the right or only way – it was simply one way, and a way that was effective and worked. With that said, my parents never just handed over money to us kids (whether they could or not). Life doesn’t work that way, so neither did my parents. If we ‘wanted’ something, we had to earn it. If we ‘needed’ something, that was a different story. But, when us kids had ‘wants’ – we had to earn our money, we were never just handed money. Welcome to life and reality, right!

12) Education & Grades Were Extremely Important: Our parents set the example in getting good grades, as well as both of them getting higher education and advanced degrees.  School, learning, and getting good grades was simply just part of our family culture, tradition, and expectation.

13) They Never Gave Up & Had Faith in Our Potential: As mentioned earlier, parenting is extremely difficult. It takes time, patience, and consistent effort. Regardless of the little money we had, the challenges life threw at us, the mis-behaving of us children, or even the troubling years of raising eight (yes, eight) teenagers … they never gave up on us.  They always put forth effort to teach, nurture, love, discipline, and raise us. And perhaps just as significant, in the process they instilled within us that we each were someone special and had great potential within us. They inspired and encouraged us, had faith in us, and never quit on us – regardless of how hard it must have been for them at times.

14) ‘Don’t Prepare the Path for the Child, Prepare the Child for the Path’: My parents epitomized this great counsel! 

15) Children Turn Out How You Talk To & About Them: I never remember my parents speaking unkindly to, complaining about, or talking to others in a negative way about their children. Did they at times get frustrated, upset, or disappointed? Of course – welcome to parenthood! But they always tried to build, compliment, and praise us kids.  Comparatively, a close friend my wife and I know is always talking negatively to and about her children (even with her children right there in front of her). As can be expected, this mother is experiencing some major problems with the behavior of her children.  Why? I believe it is because these children are simply becoming what they hear their mother saying to and about them.

16) Most Importantly – God Was First in Their Marriage, Our Home, & Our Family: Again, I understand and respect the fact that many reading this article may not necessarily have a belief in God. However, that does not negate the fact that this very principle was the foundational aspect of my parents successful marriage, the feeling in our home, and the reason my family has turned out the way it has. We put God first in all things, and as a result, everything else seemed to work out.